|Proud member of the Triple Digit Dead Club (started and ruled by the prolific Gentleman Warlock, Ozymandius.)
If you don't want to read the jokes, but want to read the rest, just avoid the sections with the *** at the beginning and end....Wow, that doesn't really leave much, does it? :)
*Okay, it's been a LONG time... That said, I apologize ahead of time if I happen to drop out again on anyone, but I'll try to keep up with the turns.
This is a GAME!!! People, have fun once in a while! Enough with the rules and codes of conduct. Be polite and respectful of others. End of story.
>>>I hope nobody takes offense from any of these. If so, please realize that humor is much like beauty, it's in the eye of the beholder. Thanks.
This one (from RavenBlack) deserves a front row seat-
***Two nuns driving along a deserted country road. A devil jumps out of the bushes onto the car. One nun says 'show it your cross'. So the other gets out and yells 'get off my fucking car you bastard'.***
Thanks to Twobee for all of the following (sorry it took so long to get up here) 10/09/07:
***Remember, there's nothing funny about rape. Unless you're raping a clown.***
***What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? Only one can be unloaded with a pitchfork***
***How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to truly want to change***
***Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what's she doing out of the kitchen?***
***A blond and a brunette jump off a building, which hits the ground first? The brunette, the blonde has to stop and ask for directions***
Thanks lkc159 01/17/07:
***The Parachute Joke: Satisfaction Guranteed. If it doesn't work, bring it back and we'll give you a full refund!***
***If at first you don't succeed... skydiving isn't for you.***
***Why did the man eat two dead skunks for breakfast? Because the dead ones don't squeal when you stick the fork in.***
From LynxShaman again. Keep 'em coming LS:
***Why do priests wear their swim trunks in the shower? They don't like looking down on the unemployed.***
From GIR. Thanks GIR:
***Two muffins are cooking in the oven. The first turns to the second and asks, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" The second turns back to the first and replies, "HOLY FUCK A TALKING MUFFIN!!"***
***A man is walking along the beach when he sees a girl, with no arms and no legs, crying. He asks what's wrong and she replies, "I've never been hugged." He feels bad and so hugs her then leaves. The next day she's there crying again. Again he asks what's wrong. This time she replies, "I've been hugged, but never kissed." As before, he feels bad and so kisses her and leaves. On the third day, she is crying once more. This time she responds, "I've been hugged and kissed, but never fucked." He bends down and gently picks her up. He carries her a short ways, then throws her in the water. "Now you're fucked!"***
From a co-worker. Thanks Richard. :)
***A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape,size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple: The Catholic one supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Thanx evilbitch! :
***What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. ***
***Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.***
***If vegetarians only eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?***
***The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.***
***If they call it tourist season, why can't we shoot them?***
***A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"***
Eireannach(hey, at least they aren't about dead babies, eh?):
***Why do blonds wear panties? Ankle-warmers.***
This one is from my REAL brother-in-law, Nic:
***What's the second fastest thing in the world? You bung-hole squeezing shut after the turd drops. What's the fastest? The drop that splashes back up after the turd hits the water.***
Thanks to Lidocaine for the following:
***Why do elephants paint their feet yellow? So they can hide upside down in custard. Have you ever seen an elephant in custard? No? Then it must work!***
From Eireannach. Thanks!
***What do you get if you stick forks in a babies eyes, light it on fire, an kick it down a hill? An erection.***
***What's worse than four babies stapled to a tree? One baby stapled to four trees.***
***How do you make a baby float? 1.Take your foot off its head. 2.Add two scoops of icecream.***
***How many babies does it take to paint a window? Depends how hard you throw them.***
***How is a blonde like a screen door? The more you bang it, the looser it gets.***
***What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.***
***What do you call a blonde with two braincells? Pregnant.***
***How do you fit a hundred babies into a telephone booth? Blender.***
***How do you get them out? Nachos.***
***What's more fun than stapeling a baby to the wall? Tearing it down.***
***What's the difference between a blonde, and a crashed 747? You know how many went down on the 747.***
Thanks LetoII! :)
***A Bhuddist monk walks into a bar and says "make me one with everything."***
***What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing table? The legs on an ironing table are hard to open.***
***How do you fit four blondes on a stool? turn it upside down.***
***What did the blondes left leg say to her right? Between us, we could make a lot of money.***
***What did the blonde's right leg say to her left? Nothing, they never met.***
These are from Eireannach.
***Askeleton walks into a bar and asks for a Martini and a mop.***
***How is a blond like a doorknob?Everybody gets a Turn.***
***How is a blond like a bottle of beer?They are both empty from the neck up.***
***How's a blond like a warm stick of butter?They are both warm, soft and easy to spread ***
This was from Zedar. Thanks. :)
***The boy to his father: "Dad, I've just lost my virginity."
The father: "Great, my son! Let's have a beer!".
The boy: "But dad .... how long will my ass hurt?" ***
From evilbitch(FEAR the pandas)
***3 old ladies are waiting for a bus when a naked man runs past. Two have a stroke. The third one couldn't reach! ***
These are from LetoII, Thanks Leto!
***A thread walks into a bar. The barkeep says, "Sorry, we don't serve threads around here." So the thread walks outside, ties himself into a knot, and combs himself out. He walks back into the bar. Barkeep says, "Sorry, we still don't serve threads around here." The thread replies, "I'm a frayed knot."***
I don't believe in spells that force a surrender. I will force a surrender if you don't show up, unless you let me know beforehand that you're going to be gone for a while. I expect the same in return.
***In case you haven't figured it out yet, those were corny jokes up there. I know, jokes are supposed to be funny.....just look at it this way, They were hilarious when you were 8.***
Okay, here's another one from our fearless leader - RavenBlack
***What's red and invisible? No tomatoes. ***
RavenBlack just doesn't quit, does he? Here's another oldie, but goodie-
***A horse walks into a bar and the barkeep asks, "Why the long face?"***
Keep 'em coming people!
Feel free to send me any corny, silly or downright unfunny jokes either by e-mail or just through the Warlocks message system.
P.S. If you have Yahoo! Messenger, look me up: k_tafin_the_wise
And just to be up on the whole "in crowd" thing, here are my two favorite Latin sayings. Enjoy:
Non sum qualis eram.
Non omnis moriar.
P.P.S. If you want to know what those meant, just ask. I might even tell you. :)